Who Killed Tyler Clementi?

By Javier Robles

America is becoming the country we use to point fingers at, a place were intolerance of others is commonplace. Where we do not think twice about using someone’s sexuality or sexual preference for our own comic relief. We put people like Rush Limbaugh on a pedestal and go out of our way to make a point of showing what we don’t like about other people. As the polarization of these “United States” continues so will tragedies like the suicide of Tyler Clementi a freshman at Rutgers University. Tyler was outed as being gay after his roommate Dharan Ravi, and Ravis friend Molly Wei, taped him and another man engaging in sexual acts. Rhavi and Wei face invasion of privacy charges, and may also be charged with bias intimidation. Tyler, however, will never see justice served as his body was found floating on the Hudson, September 29th, according to the Wall Street Journal. The 18 year old’s last message to the world posted September 22nd, on Facebook, read, that he was going to jump off the George Washington Bridge.

This young man saw no other way out but one, suicide, why? Because many times we learn from our parents, clergy, media, family and “Friends” that being gay is bad. It is not “normal” and in the religious case, “it is a sin against God”. We as a society tolerate intolerance. We sit back in the house of the lord while a person of this Earth riles on about the sin of being homosexual. We tolerate the imposition of laws and lawmakers who believe they can legislate sexuality, morality and personal choice. In fact, we leave the television and radio on while the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan educate our toddlers about hate and fear mongering. These same people also lambaste certain television shows as too violent, sexual or “non-American”. There is an indifference towards those not in the mainstream, the gays, disabled, immigrants, and poor. Yet, we tolerate!

It is this tolerance for ignorance and intolerance for people different from us that should have the spotlight shined on it. Do not get me wrong, the two perpetrators in this incident Ravi and Wei, deserve what ever is coming to them. However, we deserve a collective blame. Parents, who allow their child to believe it is all right to dislike others, simply because “they are not like us”. Pastors, who preach love in one, breathe only to stigmatize and hate in the other one. Politicians, so afraid of their base or blinded by their “family values”, that they cannot open their mouth against legislation or laws that continue to oppress our men and women in uniform. Media, that promotes hate like a sporting event, that actually pay commentators to profess their dislike of (according to them) those so morally corrupt that they cannot possibly be “Real Americans”.

It is our tolerance of anti gay, racist, anti disabled and lack of empathy for the poor in this country; that make, a bright young man like Tyler, think the only solution to his sexuality is death. That is a low-point in our Countries history. Just like the murders of Mathew Sheppard in Texas, Frank Rodde’s in Chicago, and Jorge Steve Lopez Mercado in Puerto Rico; were all committed by others, we just supplied the ammunition.

For more information on organizations and websites providing services and positive messages on gay issues visit:

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
http://www.thetaskforce.org/

Gay Men’s Health Crisis
http://www.gmhc.org/

GLBT National Help Center
http://www.glnh.org/

To Talk to a Live Person

GLBT National Hotline
1-888-843-4564

GLBT Youth National Hotline
1-800-246-7743

Struggling

I have not written in a while because I have been struggling for several months with a significant health issue which has resulted in a high level discomfort during most of my waking hours. After the initial adjustment to my disability, I felt as though I was successfully handling most issues most of the time and adapting to the circumstances I found myself in. Currently, the ability to place things in perspective and reassert control over my situation has escaped me. I have become depressed, frustrated and withdrawn compounded by my seeming inability to gain control over my emotional state. I know the power to deal with this challenge is within me, but I have been unable to tap into it. We are still at the point where we are trying to identify the possible cause or causes of what is taking place. Early next week there should be a clearer picture of what is going on and what options are available to rectify the matter.

 This situation is an almost constant reminder of what my disability means. None of the possible solutions are very desirable. I find myself slipping into a spiral of self-pity which does nothing to help the situation. The almost constant physical discomfort makes marshaling my mental strength to fight this challenge extremely difficult. The fact that I have been extremely healthy over the last 11 years does not help matters either. Naively, I had done little to prepare for additional health problems. I feel compelled to write this blog so people understand the struggles most of us with major disabilities experience on a constant basis. I have likened the situation to a juggler keeping a number of balls in the air, and as more balls get added. It becomes more and more difficult to maintain the skill.

Turkeys

 On October 1st turkey hunting season begins, and I am hoping that this endeavor will occupy my thoughts and mind and will help provide me with an avenue for gaining better control. The turkeys and deer I hunt do not care that I am in a wheelchair and it is irrelevant to the game that I use my mouth to fire my gun. All they know is that I am another predator and that is all I want. Interestingly, this morning 13 turkeys showed up in my backyard to feed at the birdfeeders. I will take that as a good omen for developing a more positive outlook. By the way I never hunt these birds.

What Now for NJ DDS?

By Ed Heaton

Recently, I was reading the biography of George Steinbrenner, by Bill Madden. The more I read, the more familiar the character of Mr. Steinbrenner seemed to me. The ego, the incessant demands, the never admitting of a mistake, blaming either his manager, general manager or players on the field for his failures. George Steinbrenner actually fired someone once because it was raining.

After reading the book, I realized why Mr. Steinbrenner seemed so familiar to me. I had the unfortunate experience of working for the George Steinbrenner of NJDDS: Joseph Amoroso.

I would have probably never written this column except for the action of Mr. William Ditto, recently retired director of the Division of Disability Services. Mr. Ditto named Mr. Amoroso Acting Director of the Division. In so doing, he took a cold and turned it into influenza.

Besides Mr. Amoroso’s questionable people skills, there are questions surrounding him concerning figures and facts. According to a document written by Mr. Ditto in December 2008, DDS’s Information and Referral Area (led by Mr. Amoroso) receives 1,700 calls per month. What Mr. Ditto did not state was what types of calls are being received. How many of the 1,700 calls are new requests for information, repeat calls, or follow-up calls?  Both Mr. Ditto and Mr. Amoroso like to point to the amount of calls received as an indicator of the success of the I & R Area. Without outcomes attached to the calls, the number of calls received is not a true indicator of the effectiveness of the I & R Area. In fact, without a report of outcomes, an evaluation of the I & R Area’s effectiveness in assisting consumers cannot even be determined.

While interpretation of data can be debated, facts cannot. In my June column, I noted that Mr. Amoroso was found guilty of a discrimination complaint by the Chief of Staff of the Department of Human Services. Since then, I have discovered that the Merit System Board denied Mr. Amoroso’s appeal of that complaint. The thing is, if Mr. Amoroso had admitted he was wrong and just accepted his punishment, I would have never found out about the complaint. Instead, by always needing to be right, Mr. Amoroso filed an appeal, which became a matter of public record. It also bothers me that a person found guilty of a discrimination complaint, not once, but twice (because of the review), was named Acting Director.  Given this, wasn’t there anyone better qualified?

A search committee has been formed to find Mr. Ditto’s replacement. In his final column in the Able Newspaper of August 6. 2010, Mr. Ditto states, “We have recruited several people from outside of state government to serve on the committee to make it as fair and impartial as possible.” What Mr. Ditto does not mention, by limiting his comment to “state government”, is that all members of the committee that I know of are directly connected to government in one way or another: either county, academic, or retired state government employees. There is no one from the disabled community or the non-profit provider community to assist this committee in making their choices. My recommendation would be to name a CIL director (Eileen Goff) and a person from an advocacy organization (Lowell Ayre), to the committee to expand its outreach.  It is my sincere hope that a replacement for Mr. Ditto is named quickly.

The people I feel most sorry for are the current employees of DDS. I have served my time in hell. Theirs is just beginning.

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All We Are

Living It Up

A while ago I saw Milery Cyrus (aka Hanna Montana) being interviewed on Good Morning America about a photo shoot she had done which was appearing in some fashion magazine. To her credit she talked about the two hours of makeup preparation prior to the shoot and the airbrushing that was done to the photos afterwards before they were ready for the magazine. She concluded by saying this process would make any individual look beautiful and sexy. This was quite a mature, candid and astute observation for such a young woman. During my 34 years of teaching I was constantly trying to help students see themselves in a more positive light. When we are subjected to negative interactions in our daily lives we tend to wonder what is the matter with us. When in reality, we should be thinking what’s wrong with the other person. We are bombarded daily with messages of what the ideal image and lifestyle for us should be. Few, if any of us, can live up to these unrealistic expectations. The majority of people seem to be less than satisfied with their physical features. This is very evident when we look at the rise in cosmetic surgery over the past few years. As Oden Black pointed out in his last blog Love You. Love Me! “We look in the mirror and see deficiencies, which are compounded by everyday negative comments and messages we receive from those around us.” Our society worships youth and perfection. How many times have you turned on the television or opened a magazine to see a celebrity who has had so much plastic surgery they are hardly recognizable. There is an additional obsession for many people to look young and in shape, and many individuals take the shortest and quickest methods available to achieve this goal such as liposuction or dangerous fad diets. If I paraphrase Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths we can begin to see a way to relieve some of this way of thinking.

Suffering is due to desire                                                                                                         

Trying to eliminating desire                                                                                                      

Will lead to a life with less suffering

Several years ago I was seeing a psychiatrist who asked me if I could identify any positive things that had come as a result of my condition. After several minutes of thought, I said I had met some wonderful people, but could think of no others. He then suggested to me that I no longer had to worry about vanity. What a ridiculous statement! If anything I’m more vain. In fairness to him, like most of the doctors I deal with, he had little experience with someone with my disability. The point I’m getting at here is that most people in society have hang ups about the way they look and the way others perceive them. So, as individuals with disabilities we are not as different from others as we may think we are. We would all be much more content and enjoy our lives much more if we accepted our physical selves the way we are and allow nature and the aging process to follow their normal courses.

As Matt Nathanson has written in his song “All We Are”

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

‘Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful